Forgotten–that is how I describe myself. A simple word with three syllables, but powerful nonetheless. Day after day, I sit here, with little interaction from my past to see if I still exist. I firmly recognize that if I don’t reach out to others, no one will reach out to me. That makes me incredibly sad and lonely. I’ve written about this topic before, but I feel like it is calling me to take a deeper dive again.

Feeling Lonely

I recently read an article about feeling lonely as you get older.  It began,

Psychology says the loneliest part of getting older isn’t being alone – it’s realizing that some ‘friendships’ don’t survive the moment you stop initiating.

I would further venture to say that, at least for me, feeling forgotten and lonely has been the story of my life, not just as I have gotten older, but for as long as I can remember. The writer, Marlene Martin, said, “It’s not solitude that stings – it’s the moment you step back and notice who never steps forward. What fades isn’t just contact, but the realization that some connections only existed because you kept them alive.”

I figured that out a long time ago. With every passing year, I grow more tired of being the one who has to reach out to keep the connections alive. The phone calls I made, the text messages I sent, and the social media posts that few respond to are all one-sided. I just don’t have it in me anymore.

I have been forgotten, and as a result, I feel lonely.

The Truth Hurts

Oh, I have tried to stay in contact with others, but sometimes the truth hurts:

• Growing up, I lived far away from most of my school classmates. This was compounded by living under a strict parental rule and not being allowed to do anything. I had to fight for what I wanted, and sometimes those fights were ugly, leaving me battered and bruised emotionally and mentally. Who wants to be around a person like that?
• Out of sight, out of mind – Once I was no longer in the picture, I truly was forgotten. People form friendships with those nearby. Plain and simple. Now that I am not within easy reach, I am no longer thought about.
• My calls became more about what was going on with the receiver, and less about me. Not only did I feel like I was only calling because I was feeling down about something, but I also felt that the person on the other end of the line wasn’t interested in hearing about my woes. 
• People have their own lives to live. Fully understandable, but that doesn’t make it any less painful. I questioned if I tried to make myself a part of that life when they never really wanted me to be a part of it all along. Did they do it out of obligation or some other reason? 
• I even self-sabotaged a relationship or two, merely because I felt that I could no longer find happiness in the connection. The deep-rooted truth in this is that they had families with children, and I did not. This is a painful part of my life that I have never been able to reconcile. Seeing others with their families and knowing I would never have that left me lonelier than you can possibly imagine.

We Are Both Forgotten

I recently had a conversation with my husband.  He feels just as forgotten as I do. He hasn’t spoken to his brother since our wedding. This year it will be 34 years. He hasn’t spoken to his sister either. Unless I call/text, I barely speak to my brother and sister-in-law, save for the obligatory birthday wish or random conversation. It’s a good thing we have each other; if not, we would truly be alone. I don’t know what I would do without him.

As I sit here typing, I’ve received about six texts, none of which are from an actual person; just advertisements from companies I’ve made a past purchase from. Every time the notification sounds, I reach for my phone, hoping it’s from someone I know, but it’s not. Just another daily disappointment. I really need to let it go, because no one is calling.

I am close to coming to terms with all of this. It’s taken years to get to this point. I am hopeful that getting this down on paper will be the last step I need to finally let it all go and find other ways to be remembered. I am sure there will be some fallout from this, but at this point, I can’t put any energy into that. If anyone is offended by my words, I encourage you to look at it from my perspective—the person you forgot.

Moving Forward

I know my writing has dwindled in recent years. My time and energy have been focused on other things that have brought me some peace as I work through certain aspects of my life. I have more thoughts to share, but those will come later. Some of the topics will be heavy as I need to get them off my chest at some point. 

Wishing you moments to find your truth, and to not feel forgotten and lonely,