Friendships are fleeting. They come and go. When they go, you’re left with the hollow feeling of loneliness. I am a prime example of all of this. And, it is never easy.
Loneliest Feeling in the World
I’ve never been one with many friendships. I thought I had a select group of people who I thought were true blue. I suppose that is due to my introversion. It didn’t help that I live out in the country. Just far enough away from school to make it difficult to even try to be friends with anyone. Although there was a girl who lived down the street from me, she and her family lived next door to my grandparents. I thought she was my friend, but it turned out she wasn’t. When she got her driver’s license in high school, it became very apparent. I became a burden. It was the loneliest feeling imaginable.
Once, I invited someone from school over to my house. We were hanging out in my bedroom, and I left for a brief moment. I knew something had gone wrong the instant I left. When I came back, I checked my purse, and she had stolen money out of my wallet. I never confronted her, but I never talked to her again after that. I suppose she took the money from me because she was jealous of what I had. I may have had a few material things, but I didn’t truly have anything. After that, I never invited anyone to my house ever again. I never felt more alone in my life.
Fleeting Friendships
Over the years, friendships remained fleeting at best. When I was out of sight, I was out of mind. Every time I moved or changed jobs, the friendships ended. Save for my husband, my only true friend, I never managed to keep friends for very long. I always thought I was only good enough if I was of value to someone. When I either changed jobs or moved away, I was no longer of value. I grew tired of being the only one who made the effort. When was the last time someone reached out to me? I can’t remember the last time my phone rang asking me if I was okay.
It didn’t help that when I did see people, I brought a cloud of negativity, or inadvertently brag about something, or tried to buy their friendship. Now that I am older, I’ve learned a valuable lesson. You can’t do those kinds of things when you revisit old friendships. They look down on you with disdain, and no matter how many times you reach out, you never hear from them again. Or when you do reach them, the conversation gets turned around, and it ends up all about them. You end up listening, but in your head, you are screaming, “I need a friend to listen to me, not the other way around!”
At this point in my life, I am tired of everything. I think I would rather be lonely. I have my books, my movies, my hobbies, and my husband.
