As an adult, the words “Back to School” have always been difficult for me. For you see, I am not a mom, nor will I ever be one.
I was not able to have children due to complications that I have alluded to previously. This is by far, the most painful and biggest disappointment of my life.
Year after year, I have watched my friends and work acquaintances have children. I am a surrogate “Aunt” to some, and just a stranger on the outside looking in the window onto the loving families of others. But, alas, I have nothing in common with anyone…anymore. The older I get, the farther away I grow from everyone. They all are involved with their families and I am nothing to them. (Oh…this is such a bad thought to have…)
I think secretly I was glad I moved away. My intuition again telling me I probably wouldn’t be able to handle dealing with the every day happiness of my friends and their families. Who was I anyway? Not a real member of their families…as I went home alone to my apartment most evenings; at least when I was still living back in Wisconsin.
But I moved out west, to start a new life. I tried for years for a child…and nothing. So I worked to build a career for myself and watched success be snatched away from me time and time again. I was stressed beyond belief and watched life pass me by until finally, I ran into a series of storms (See my post entitled “The Fork in the Road – My Own Turning Point in the Storm“.)
So was it wise for me to move away? I don’t know. Did I somehow feel comfortable being out of sight…out of mind. Sometimes…
Other times…I am so, so sad. I cry all the time.
I always thought I would be a mom, but now I am beginning to wonder if maybe this was the plan all along. Sometimes I see myself as less tolerant than when I was younger. I see parents whose children are wild and out of control. I see children who have no respect for their parents. But then again, I see my friends who have wonderful children and the closest of families.
But I still want my own child…and as I write this, I am weeping…uncontrollably.
“Back to School”…I feel great sorrow for what will never be…at least for me.
***I have written this piece for a group on Facebook that I have joined, BFF Blogging For Fun. Interested in more…click on the picture below to take you there.
(((SUSAN!))) I'm so sorry–I understand to a point I don't want to say that I understand from the point of not being able to have kids, because I have obviously had them. But I understand the desire to want something so much–and being helpless to do anything about. If you need a shoulder–you have a friend.
If unable to have your own–is adoption an option? Now I know it is not the same as giving birth–but can be so rewarding in and of itself. I don't know enough about that process–but just wondered if that would be something to consider?
Many hugs and prayers for you 🙂 Jenn
Thank you for your kind words Jenn. I appreciate your hugs, prayers and friendship.
We have thought about adoption, but at our age (although I am not that old), it may be too difficult. It's also expensive.
In the meantime, my writing has allowed me to examine parts of my life that have been ignored for far too long. It's very carthartic.
Writing, for now, is my legacy. It has given me opportunities that I did not know existed. I can write for myself, and no one will ever, ever, take my words away from me.
Thank you for offering your shoulder tonight. It was really needed. – Susan
How sad!! Hugs and prayers for you my friend. God has a grand plan for you. Writing is a wonderful outlet, and I hope yours does help some.
Kathy
http://www.thetruckerswife.com/