As an adult, the words “Back to School” have always been difficult for me. For you see, I am not a mom, nor will I ever be one.
I was not able to have children due to complications that I have alluded to previously. This is by far, the most painful and biggest disappointment of my life.
Year after year, I have watched my friends and work acquaintances have children. I am a surrogate “Aunt” to some, and just a stranger on the outside looking in the window onto the loving families of others. But, alas, I have nothing in common with anyone…anymore. The older I get, the farther away I grow from everyone. They all are involved with their families and I am nothing to them. (Oh…this is such a bad thought to have…)
I think secretly I was glad I moved away. My intuition again telling me I probably wouldn’t be able to handle dealing with the every day happiness of my friends and their families. Who was I anyway? Not a real member of their families…as I went home alone to my apartment most evenings; at least when I was still living back in Wisconsin.
But I moved out west, to start a new life. I tried for years for a child…and nothing. So I worked to build a career for myself and watched success be snatched away from me time and time again. I was stressed beyond belief and watched life pass me by until finally, I ran into a series of storms (See my post entitled “The Fork in the Road – My Own Turning Point in the Storm“.)
So was it wise for me to move away? I don’t know. Did I somehow feel comfortable being out of sight…out of mind. Sometimes…
Other times…I am so, so sad. I cry all the time.
I always thought I would be a mom, but now I am beginning to wonder if maybe this was the plan all along. Sometimes I see myself as less tolerant than when I was younger. I see parents whose children are wild and out of control. I see children who have no respect for their parents. But then again, I see my friends who have wonderful children and the closest of families.
But I still want my own child…and as I write this, I am weeping…uncontrollably.
“Back to School”…I feel great sorrow for what will never be…at least for me.
***I have written this piece for a group on Facebook that I have joined, BFF Blogging For Fun. Interested in more…click on the picture below to take you there.