Priorities

 
I have spent the better part of my life putting everyone else’s needs, wants and expectations ahead of my own. I became the master juggler…
I was young…I was weak…I was easily malleable into whatever shape I needed to fit. I thought it was the right thing to do. Along the way though, I lost myself. I faded into the background…was “seen and not heard” (Anybody ever heard of that phrase?) Before I knew it…20 years of my life had past me by.
But with age comes wisdom.
The last few years though have been a real eye-opener. I could feel the change coming long before; unfortunately, I buried those sensations and following the beat of another person’s drum. Once again, I let my mind tell me it was the right thing to do. I should have listened to my heart. I should have listened to my inner voice…my spirit. I didn’t, and subsequently, I paid a price for it. 
You may all say, “I told you so!” I won’t like you any less if you do. In fact, I will probably say, “Thank you!” I admit my priorities were skewed…for a really long time. But let’s face it, whose priorities were they anyway? They weren’t mine. Wow…there’s another revelation that just hit me.
They…weren’t…my…priorities.
Seriously…the farther on this side of “what my life used to be” allows me to have a clearer vision of “Susan’s Priorities”.
So let’s take a look at me now…
I’m alive…I can breathe…I can feel…feel all those things around me. I’ve learned to embrace it…and finally listen to what it is telling me.
I’ve learned to believe…in myself. There’s no doubt about my talents…they’ve just been pushed aside for so long while I was taking care of “other stuff”. I realize now that while I was taking care of that “other stuff”, I was quietly building the foundation on which I was going to lay my priorities on and begin my real life.   
I have no doubt about that. No doubt at all.
Subconsciously, I must have been planning this all along. But, I’m awake now and fully conscious of everything. It’s a little scary, but somehow exciting.
I’m almost a year into this new life. I survived…all the hurt, all the ugliness. It was painful…this transition. There were moments when I was going to throw it all away. And I do mean all of it. But, once I let go of the past, everything just seemed to click. 
I still have a long way to go. Some of these priorities need a little massaging…a little shaping…a more definitive focus…a stronger beat…on my own drum. 
I’m stronger now; stronger than before. And I am ready to put Susan at the top of that list of priorities.

The start of the new me…

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