Nothing lately has been like I thought it would be. Four months ago, I came home broken. Without a chance to regain my footing, I jumped right back into working long hours with no time for myself or anyone else for that matter. I stopped writing and all the other fun projects that I had been working on; I went into survival mode. What things that needed to be done were being finished… at the last possible minute. My “To Do” list kept growing.
Then my husband pointed out to me that while he was at the bottom of my “To Do” list, I, on the other hand, did not even make the list.
“I was not on my own list.”
Those words stopped me dead in my tracks.
I was stunned. Then I cried for hours. Now I am just tired.
How am I going to put myself back on the list? Not only am I broken, but clearly, I can’t even put myself on my own list to fix myself. I am not sure I even know how because I’ve spent so much of my time taking care of everything and everyone else but myself. Do I even know where to begin? Furthermore, now that things are slowly getting to a point where I think I might be able to breathe again, how do I begin to pick up the pieces? How do I fix the damage?
Shall I put pen to paper? My desire to write, while pretty much non-existent, feels like it wants to come back. Something within me tonight compelled me to get these thoughts out onto this post. But will there be more? What if I have lost everything I have worked so hard to gain in the writing world? What if I have to start over? Perhaps this is not a bad thing, or is it?
I know that writing is not going to be enough to make me whole again. It’s almost like before when I first started this blog/website. My life had pretty much imploded at that point, but I eventually found my way. I listened to my inner voice. She’s actually quite smart.
I need to listen to her again. She’s been silent a long while; at least that is what I would like to believe. I think though, she’s actually been speaking pretty loudly but I haven’t been able to hear her above all the noise. Don’t get me wrong! The chatter has been important, but it has truly drained me and now that I am empty I can hear her again.
She has made me realize that I am important too. Important enough to put myself back on the list…and not just at the bottom. I need to be higher up…much higher up.
So for now, I will just do what I need to do. Listen to her some more. In fact, she is beckoning me…imploring me to hear her. I have a feeling it is going to be a long night. She has a lot to say. The first of which is to tell me that the worst is over. While I do feel some sort of relief, it is not quite enough; at least, not yet, but the journey has begun.
I’ve begun the process of putting myself back on the list. I hope you all can do the same.
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