Anniversary

I am coming up on an anniversary. A day, well two days actually, that most would not consider celebratory. I am sure you all have many wonderful anniversaries. When you met someone, first date, an accomplishment, or the most traditional, a wedding. I have those special days as well. However, the ones I am thinking about though are anniversaries like no other.

A Non-Celebratory Day…Maybe

The first anniversary I am thinking about is a non-celebratory day for me…maybe? Truth be told, I am coming up on the second anniversary of when I was furloughed by my previous employer. It was the moment that changed my life forever. It changed my family’s life forever.  When I stop to think about it, I find it a little hard to believe that 24 months have passed.  

I can’t say that I was unhappy that it happened as I knew it was coming. I was excited, yet nervous about the possibilities. Now that I am on the other side of it, I can finally share what has happened.  The last two years have not been easy. I tried to show a brave, happy face, most of the time. Behind closed doors, I have shed many tears.  It seems that just about anything will set them off. Whether reading a book, watching a movie, or even stitching, the tears will randomly fall. Even now, while I am typing these words, the tears are beginning to form. 

In a nutshell, I lost my job, found a new job, and packed up our home. Half went into a POD, and the other half went on a moving van. We packed the remaining things into my car and proceeded our long 2500-mile journey to the middle of the country. Along the way, my husband lost his eyesight, and I had to take over the drive. I got behind the wheel and traveled across the country for over five days. It’s been a rollercoaster ride ever since. His eyesight was restored, but it’s not perfect and he can’t drive right now. Then there were few other issues that cropped up and are still being sorted. More on that later.

Mother’s Day Anniversary

The second anniversary, another non-celebratory day, is today. It’s hard for me to not be sad on  Mother’s Day. I am always overwhelmed on this day because I am not a mom, have never been, nor will ever be one.  That was a revelation that was revealed and finally confirmed for me during these past few years. I guess, in my heart, I always knew. It doesn’t make it any easier though.

It has been difficult to see my friends and co-workers have children over the years. While they celebrate their joy(s), I sit behind closed doors and cry my eyes out. Oh some of them have tried to include me, but it is not the same. I have even tried to over include myself once, but that was unsuccessful and I felt horrible after it was brought to my attention. Now I try to remain out of sight and out of mind.

I know there are many out there like me who are non-mothers.  It is difficult for us to hear the good wishes on this day every year. Being childless not by choice is more painful than you could ever know. Remember, not all “anniversaries are happy or bring fond memories.”

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